i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
