Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
