you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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