Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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