the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
