i need an iv and a liver transplant
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
