I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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