I just pynch a tree in the face
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I love you. Go after that dick
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
