he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
