the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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