You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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