I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
