so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
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you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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