hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
