Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
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