i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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