she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
