I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
