Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
