Acid is not a monday night drug
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We have started to decorate penises.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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