I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
