My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Dick very happy bro
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
