the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
