one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
