I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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