My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
