Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
