so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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