Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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