Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
