plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
