I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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