When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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