I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
