This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
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The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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