so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
