mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
