Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
