Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
