i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
