you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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