I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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