I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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