First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
