I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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