I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
