I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just had sex bonerless
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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