i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
