I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
