I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
