end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
