Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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