It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
