just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My ATM looks so different sober.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
