Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
