My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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