I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
