How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
