Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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